Life is a funny thing. I originally intended on beginning that sentence with "Depression" instead of "Life" but I am coming to realize that life, with or without depression, is what you make it. Life has a funny way of throwing that in my face on an almost daily basis. I just dont ever listen. So now, it's time to start listening....and pushing forward.

Resolutions

It's funny. Ive been really....longing...to get back to my writing lately. Something is off. Something is missing. I have no idea what or if it's anything I can do but wait it out. So I was looking at maybe giving blogging a shot. Yes I know. Again. I forgot I had even started this one. It was fun to read what few posts I had managed to get done. Im still losing weight though admittedly I am very much at a plateau right now with the holidays recently ending. Started running again the first of the year to shake the dark feelings. It's funny. I really believed that having the surgery and losing the weight would really help with my depression. Nope. It just masks it better. So now to find the next 'solution'. More adrenaline MIGHT work. If nothing else, the pavement and I have a decent relationship. It doesnt talk back. :) Still politically involved though I am VERY disillusioned by the whole process and will likely un-involve myself COMPLETELY in the next three months(depending on how Newt does of course) to focus on work and writing and home. I made the resolution this year to write at least once a week. It's Saturday and this is the first writing I have done but still within the week right? I also resolved to be a better wife though I havent let Jeremy in on that resolution yet. (Hi baby :) HAHHA) My third resolution was to be a better employee. At the beginning of last year I got a job with a company that seemed like a "this will get me out of the current hell that I find myself in" type job. Turns out I really love this job but found myself getting 'comfortable'. So this week I decided it was time to up my 'A-game'. I REALLY want to push myself to get passed the field rep spot. I didnt really start this week because there is drama at work right now that should be resolved by the end of next week. I think this will be a decent year in so many ways. A year to change for the better in so many ways. Time to surround myself with people who really give a damn about my well being and time to start focusing on taking care of those I love the most.

Ive been slacking off.....

Well that isnt entirely true. Alot has happened. I had surgery. Gastric bypass to be exact. Ive lost more than 40 pounds and havent been this skinny since probably my sophmore year in high school. I need to do more but there it is. The job hunt is going ok. Im waiting to hear back about a possible interview. Hopefully it will pan out. If I get it I will be doing something I have enjoyed and havent gotten to do for some time. Of course it will likely mean givng up working at Expos for the foreseeable future which is a total bummer but if I am getting more money it will be worth it.

Spring is in the air here and I am feeling quite contemplative about my life lately. There is so much I want to do now that I have more energy to do it. Maybe a writing class? Maybe some campaign work? Maybe dive into finally clearing out these damned closets? I still dont have a PROPER scrapbook room which is a bummer. I managed to work on it for a while Friday evening but havent gotten to do much since. Id liek to finish it before it is too blasted hot to work in here.

What is new in YOUR world?

This is It

I spent two hours watching a creative genius at work today.

Michael Jackson was an enigma in life. He was never fully understood. Never fully appreciated.

The allegations of child abuse? Ya know....I don't know. If I am as much a proponent of the US criminal justice system as I proclaim I have to come to the conclusion that he was not guilty of those charges brought against him. Do I think he wasn't a bizarre individual with bizarre habits? I think his personal life was bizarre. Would I allow myself to be compromised in such situations? No. I will not cast judgement now. that is between him and his God.

I think there are few people who have seen Michael Jackson work. They have only seen the results of that work. He was a true talent. A genius in his field really. I have always enjoyed his music. From the time I was a young girl I listened to his albums over and over again. I used to know Thriller by heart. I probably still would if I ever sat and listened to it long enough. When he died this summer I was devastated beyond any measure I thought I would have been. I did not idolize him per se but he revered him and his talent. He was such a hard worker, such a perfectionist. I think if more of us strive for that in our own crafts and/or lives the world would be a brighter place.

The film also shed some light on his relationship with his father, or should I say the lack thereof. It was a brief moment but in rehearsals for the song "I'll be there" where he acknowledges love for this brothers and his mother. Joe Jackson was noticeably absent. I do not blame Michael in the least. I just hope fathers, (and mothers for that matter) all over the world learn how being overbearing on your own children can come back to bite you. I think it has bitten Joe Jackson in a big way, though I think he is probably too clueless to realize it.

I wrote shortly after his death that I was quickly losing all my childhood idols. While those have been replaced by others in my field that I respect there will never be replacements for Lucille Ball, Sammy Davis Jr, Gregory Hines and now, Michael Jackson.

Thank you for sharing your gift with me. Rest in Peace.

Awww. Friday.

Sooooo glad this week is over. Tired of the bullshit in my life right now. Soo many hoops to jump through. Soo many people to try and make happy. When is it MY turn?

The surgeon SHOULD have all my paperwork now to send into the insurance. We shall see. I got ZERO writing done this week.

I think Jeremy and I need to get a punching bag installed. I think it would be theraputic for both of us. Maybe.

Beat the Clock......

Today the nations unemployment rate hit 10.2 percent. Yup. It was this time last year that I was terrified of being laid off. A month later I was. They called it a preempticve strike for the economy that was almost certain to take a nose dive under the Obama Administration. Who knew how right they would be. I am comfortable when I am but I know this job is not going to last forever. If I can get my surgery done and get healed up I can start looking again for something more stable. And maybe something that pays more. Maybe Ill try to find something in the government sector. That seems to be the path we are going down. It says something that the only growth sector in the economy is in government. So sad.

Monday Monday

Have you ever had a dream that was so lovely, yet shook you to your core foundation? I had one of those last night. It involved people I haven’t spent any significant time with for several years and frankly I would be mortified if they knew about it. They opened up a business that had nothing to do with how I knew them but they seemed rather suited for it. I know that it all seems rather vague but it was sort of ridiculous. I don’t know. I am still trying to process it and what it means. It was lovely though.

Work has gotten tolerable finally. I’m not sure if it is because I am standing up for myself a bit more in life or if other people are realizing I’m not the devil because I work for the competition and that I don’t care who their best friends are. I am just here to do my job. I don’t like my job anymore than they do but I do it well. In some circles around here that makes me a bitch. Now ask me if I care.

Halloween was fun this year. Went out to Hobbs Grove with Jeremy and got our scare for the year. I have to say it was very well done this year. It just keeps getting better and better as time progresses. Cant wait to see what they come up with. Spent the actual night of Halloween going from Mom and Dad’s to Mema and Papa Jim’s to Laura and Jasons. It was a fun night.

Really hoping to focus some serious time on my writing this month. I say that every month and it hasn’t happened yet but a girl can dream cant she?