What to say?

Feeling REALLY down on myself after reading the last couple of entries. It's near the end of the year and I have really gotten away from my writing, from all my resolutions really. At least my beloved Giants are playing in the World Series. There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for right? :) A lot has happened this year. Since my last entry Newt bowed out of the presidential race. He was not my first choice, neither was the man who would eventually become our party nominee but I am still so hopeful that Romney will be our next President. I cant fathom what the next 4 years will be like if he is not. Maybe if he is re-elected it will give me the excuse I need to stay closer to home and focus on my life because I believe my country will never be as I feel it should be again. I ran in my first 5k race this year in Visalia. The first 5k I signed up for turned out to be more of an adventure HIKE than a run but it was AMAZING! (Zombies make everything that much cooler) Shortly after that hike I injured a thigh muscle and I havent run since but Im trying. I really am. One day at a time. Thats how Im living now. Anything else is overwhelming.

Bucket Lists

Ive always thought that bucket lists were sort of a morbid idea. Sort of a race to do everything before you die. So instead I am making a bucket list...for this year. Things I want to do before the clock strikes midnight on Jan 1 2013: 1. Renew my passport: I let it expire after the Australia Connection trip MANY MANY years ago. If I cant afford to take another trip this year over seas at least I can start preparing for it. 2. See someone else besides Barack Obama get elected to the presidency: It has been a MISERABLE 3 years for me. EVERY fear I had on election day in 2008 has come true. EVERY one. Already working towards this goal with the Newt Gingrich campaign. 3. Get my dive gear serviced and my wet suit altered: This SORT of goes along with the first item since one of my dream vacations is to do the overseas dive trip with Bob's Dive Shop. I havent tried ANY of it on since I lost 100 lbs. It might be kind of expensive. Thus, no trip this year. But maybe next year. 4. Rework my book plans, and get started on it: I have wanted to write a book since.....forever. THIS is the year it starts to become a reality. No clue yet on what direction I want to take but it's time to take the next step. There will be no world traveling for me on my current salary. Time to write the 'All American Novel' :) 5. FINALLY get my scraproom organized: All of it. From my desk to the table to the closet. I spend 50 percent of my time at home in this room. Time to make it so it doesnt drive me BONKERS. Thats a good start I think.........

Life is a funny thing. I originally intended on beginning that sentence with "Depression" instead of "Life" but I am coming to realize that life, with or without depression, is what you make it. Life has a funny way of throwing that in my face on an almost daily basis. I just dont ever listen. So now, it's time to start listening....and pushing forward.

Resolutions

It's funny. Ive been really....longing...to get back to my writing lately. Something is off. Something is missing. I have no idea what or if it's anything I can do but wait it out. So I was looking at maybe giving blogging a shot. Yes I know. Again. I forgot I had even started this one. It was fun to read what few posts I had managed to get done. Im still losing weight though admittedly I am very much at a plateau right now with the holidays recently ending. Started running again the first of the year to shake the dark feelings. It's funny. I really believed that having the surgery and losing the weight would really help with my depression. Nope. It just masks it better. So now to find the next 'solution'. More adrenaline MIGHT work. If nothing else, the pavement and I have a decent relationship. It doesnt talk back. :) Still politically involved though I am VERY disillusioned by the whole process and will likely un-involve myself COMPLETELY in the next three months(depending on how Newt does of course) to focus on work and writing and home. I made the resolution this year to write at least once a week. It's Saturday and this is the first writing I have done but still within the week right? I also resolved to be a better wife though I havent let Jeremy in on that resolution yet. (Hi baby :) HAHHA) My third resolution was to be a better employee. At the beginning of last year I got a job with a company that seemed like a "this will get me out of the current hell that I find myself in" type job. Turns out I really love this job but found myself getting 'comfortable'. So this week I decided it was time to up my 'A-game'. I REALLY want to push myself to get passed the field rep spot. I didnt really start this week because there is drama at work right now that should be resolved by the end of next week. I think this will be a decent year in so many ways. A year to change for the better in so many ways. Time to surround myself with people who really give a damn about my well being and time to start focusing on taking care of those I love the most.

Ive been slacking off.....

Well that isnt entirely true. Alot has happened. I had surgery. Gastric bypass to be exact. Ive lost more than 40 pounds and havent been this skinny since probably my sophmore year in high school. I need to do more but there it is. The job hunt is going ok. Im waiting to hear back about a possible interview. Hopefully it will pan out. If I get it I will be doing something I have enjoyed and havent gotten to do for some time. Of course it will likely mean givng up working at Expos for the foreseeable future which is a total bummer but if I am getting more money it will be worth it.

Spring is in the air here and I am feeling quite contemplative about my life lately. There is so much I want to do now that I have more energy to do it. Maybe a writing class? Maybe some campaign work? Maybe dive into finally clearing out these damned closets? I still dont have a PROPER scrapbook room which is a bummer. I managed to work on it for a while Friday evening but havent gotten to do much since. Id liek to finish it before it is too blasted hot to work in here.

What is new in YOUR world?

This is It

I spent two hours watching a creative genius at work today.

Michael Jackson was an enigma in life. He was never fully understood. Never fully appreciated.

The allegations of child abuse? Ya know....I don't know. If I am as much a proponent of the US criminal justice system as I proclaim I have to come to the conclusion that he was not guilty of those charges brought against him. Do I think he wasn't a bizarre individual with bizarre habits? I think his personal life was bizarre. Would I allow myself to be compromised in such situations? No. I will not cast judgement now. that is between him and his God.

I think there are few people who have seen Michael Jackson work. They have only seen the results of that work. He was a true talent. A genius in his field really. I have always enjoyed his music. From the time I was a young girl I listened to his albums over and over again. I used to know Thriller by heart. I probably still would if I ever sat and listened to it long enough. When he died this summer I was devastated beyond any measure I thought I would have been. I did not idolize him per se but he revered him and his talent. He was such a hard worker, such a perfectionist. I think if more of us strive for that in our own crafts and/or lives the world would be a brighter place.

The film also shed some light on his relationship with his father, or should I say the lack thereof. It was a brief moment but in rehearsals for the song "I'll be there" where he acknowledges love for this brothers and his mother. Joe Jackson was noticeably absent. I do not blame Michael in the least. I just hope fathers, (and mothers for that matter) all over the world learn how being overbearing on your own children can come back to bite you. I think it has bitten Joe Jackson in a big way, though I think he is probably too clueless to realize it.

I wrote shortly after his death that I was quickly losing all my childhood idols. While those have been replaced by others in my field that I respect there will never be replacements for Lucille Ball, Sammy Davis Jr, Gregory Hines and now, Michael Jackson.

Thank you for sharing your gift with me. Rest in Peace.

Awww. Friday.

Sooooo glad this week is over. Tired of the bullshit in my life right now. Soo many hoops to jump through. Soo many people to try and make happy. When is it MY turn?

The surgeon SHOULD have all my paperwork now to send into the insurance. We shall see. I got ZERO writing done this week.

I think Jeremy and I need to get a punching bag installed. I think it would be theraputic for both of us. Maybe.

Beat the Clock......

Today the nations unemployment rate hit 10.2 percent. Yup. It was this time last year that I was terrified of being laid off. A month later I was. They called it a preempticve strike for the economy that was almost certain to take a nose dive under the Obama Administration. Who knew how right they would be. I am comfortable when I am but I know this job is not going to last forever. If I can get my surgery done and get healed up I can start looking again for something more stable. And maybe something that pays more. Maybe Ill try to find something in the government sector. That seems to be the path we are going down. It says something that the only growth sector in the economy is in government. So sad.

Monday Monday

Have you ever had a dream that was so lovely, yet shook you to your core foundation? I had one of those last night. It involved people I haven’t spent any significant time with for several years and frankly I would be mortified if they knew about it. They opened up a business that had nothing to do with how I knew them but they seemed rather suited for it. I know that it all seems rather vague but it was sort of ridiculous. I don’t know. I am still trying to process it and what it means. It was lovely though.

Work has gotten tolerable finally. I’m not sure if it is because I am standing up for myself a bit more in life or if other people are realizing I’m not the devil because I work for the competition and that I don’t care who their best friends are. I am just here to do my job. I don’t like my job anymore than they do but I do it well. In some circles around here that makes me a bitch. Now ask me if I care.

Halloween was fun this year. Went out to Hobbs Grove with Jeremy and got our scare for the year. I have to say it was very well done this year. It just keeps getting better and better as time progresses. Cant wait to see what they come up with. Spent the actual night of Halloween going from Mom and Dad’s to Mema and Papa Jim’s to Laura and Jasons. It was a fun night.

Really hoping to focus some serious time on my writing this month. I say that every month and it hasn’t happened yet but a girl can dream cant she?

Saturday.

So Im a bit closer to my goal of having the bariatric surgery. Finally got my lab work done this week. Will be calling the person at the surgeons office next week to see what else they need. Would love to have this done by New Years.

Feel a bit more free since Ive cut some negativity from my life. Standing up for myself was probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. It is even serving me well at work. I need to learn how to do that more often.

Making some decisions.....

Recently my values and political philosophy has been tested....but Im getting ahead of myself.

I have a bad habit of making sure everyone around me is happy often to my own detriment. That ends today. I value my friends but I have been shown such disrespect by a handful of people recently that I am writing them off and out of my life and moving on.

Im sure this is going to cause some problems. Now ask me if I care. Why do they get to be disrespectful and I have to make sure everyone is happy? I am all about the civil debate. If you cross the line be prepared to say goodbye to me because it is NOT ok to be disrespectful.

Starting Over. Again.

So this is it. This is the last blog Im going to start. Im trying really hard to consolidate all the different aspects of my life into as few places as possible. So here is the last shot. Let's recap me:

I am a wife. I am a child of God. (Albeit a redheaded step-child, Im still a child of God) I am a conservative. I am compassionate. I have little tolerance for stupidity. I have alot of tolerance for the views of others, as long as they give me the same respect in return. I am writer. I am a future novelist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a worker bee. I am hesitant to trust authority. I am a sister in law. I am an animal lover. I am an Auntie. I am a scrapbooker.

So for better or worse, this is me. Lets see if I can make it stick this time.